I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
