He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
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I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
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I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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