If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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