it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
