So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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