I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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