you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
