I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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