Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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