We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
