I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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