we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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