By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
