u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
