i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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