Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
