i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Randomize
