party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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