Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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