Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
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and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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