Plan B is the new Plan A
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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