he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
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Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
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Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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