so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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