haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
