Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
