Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you didnt know i had herpes?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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