Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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