If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
that is very illegal...i love you.
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