he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
