that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
