i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
