i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
