you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
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