in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
