I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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