I'm lost and stupid without you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
