SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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