Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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