saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
handjob tips. give me some.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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