As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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