The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
