fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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