My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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