My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
