I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
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Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
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My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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