ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
