theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
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Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
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I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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