Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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