the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
