dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
