Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
