wanna go halves on a baby?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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