Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
