I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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