I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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