can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
