Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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