I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
