I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
