Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
