they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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