he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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