Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
